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User blog:Pygmy Hippo 2/Animal Face-off:Tsavo Maneaters vs. Kesagake
The slums of the DFU were horrible in the main cities but there were two exceptions. They were completely absent in the Red territories and in Hippoman Land, they were hellholes where a war was going on between the Weasel Mafia and COD FBI with several other fight losers getting wrapped up in the conflict and reports of a new white masked blue clothed killer with a knife was making the, admittedly terrible, night clubs close down. In this chaos, the only thing that the survivors of this mayhem could do is waste time after work eating at a diner and watching Pygmy's propaganda. Two men sat silently, just eating their sandwiches in peace after a long day at the butcher shop and mines. The first man wore an apron and human face mask with several stitches covering it and his body, this poor guy had lost three times before, but his BBQ pork sandwich eased the pain a bit. The second man had a mining helmet on the table and was munching on grilled cheese, ironic considering how roasted his skin was. Next to them, a man in black clothes with large bandages on his torso and a gas mask plays a card game with a man in white armor and a helmet with stitches along his upper body. Two other men were talking as they ate with the man in blue clothes and fancy gloves with multiple stitches eating Fettuccine Alfredo while the man in robes shuddered from the cold as he ate a hot dog. Both worked in the rental business and glanced over at the back of the diner. A man in a trench coat and fedora read a newspaper while a caveman petted his pet Smilodon. "Found a job yet, Rorschach?" "Found a way to pay off your loans, Fiore?" That shut him up and Rorschach saw the news of the main community's leaders meeting. Everyone here knew who was on screen except for a pair of swords lodged in a seat at the round table, Zhu Yuan Zhang sat by the jukebox and enjoyed the tunes while he wondered which poor bastard was getting sent here next. The bar was mostly open except for two seats where a woman with you guessed it, stitches, and a bandage on her forehead sighed and a man with a bandage wrapped around his head groaned. "I don't get how Bubba does it! He's died the most out of all of us!" "Well, Miyo, he's been here the longest as well." "Only man who could tell you if he ever showed anything but hunger is Juggernaut and he's not talking!" "Leave the poor guy alone, you two." Geronimo got the nurse and assassin to be quiet while the red-haired waitress delivered him a Leopard Root Beer and Miyo got a Diet Hippo. Strangely enough, she and the owner, Booker something, had no marks from their fights. "CGI that they used for the 'Back For Bloods'?" "No, Zhu, they just make more than all of us combined." "That's not hard for you to sa-" Everyone was silent as the screen blared an odd introduction to what they could only assume was another fight show with big cats roaring and bears growling. Takkar's Smilodon perked up and the newcomers lowered their drinks, even Bubba and Harry showed interest, but Rorschach just glared underneath his bloody mask and muttered under his breath as their 'leader' popped on-screen. "Well, that's something new, Animal Face-off?" "Yeah Zhu, can't wait for it to be animatronics or animated like his other series. Fat bastard." Introduction Pygmy Hippo woke up in bed with his two waifus before getting up and stretching as his orange cat with black stripes meowed at him. His black and green-haired ladies were getting up just as soon as a black labrador retriever with a red beret on walked in on her hind legs and pulled him outside. "Holy fuck, Hippoman! Do you know how late it is?!" "Three." "Ugh, the city leaders have already spoken so that rotten piece of animatronic shit has been stuck running reruns of Bendy cartoons." "I can hear you!" "Just be glad we didn't throw you in the scrap pile and gave you a camera man job." William Afton grumbled under his non-existent breath as some other abomination walked in, an ASDF character dressed like Al Capone. "Did you hear, Grand Leader? The Borsites are building up their armies again!" "We beat them last time. It's only a problem if the Reds are building up." "He's actually saying he won the Great DF War now. Typical of a Sun Tzu fanboy, I guess." "Hey, not too harsh. They're still our trade partners at the moment and I made a little BFB deal a while ago..." "Anyways, sorry to distract you from your terrible choice in wives, remember that Animal Face-off episode we promised?" "Yes?" "Well, we can actually do it, so that's something." Pygmy walked into the filming booth with Rose the Doge, Zuggsy the janitor, and the Purple Guy who envies Chris and Rena. The Animal Face-off intro played with various images of wild animals being "ferocious" including a chimpanzee banging on a window and a chihuahua barking. "Ladies and gentlemen, on the first new episode of Animal Face-off, we have three of the most feared animals in history duking it out." "Maneaters from different parts of the world that killed and ate not only other animals but humans as well if the term Maneater wasn't clear enough." "Out of respect for the victims, we won't be doing any tests this episode and just going over the stats of the Tsavo Maneaters and Kesagake." "Respect for the victims?! You hear that Clyde?! Hippoman has respect for something other than his terrible fights now!" "That's the thing, he only has respect because this IS one of his fights!" The Deadliest Fiction federal prison erupted into laughter except for one man in rhino hide armor that glared angrily at the screen. "What the fuck is this shit?! I was supposed to come back!" "Mate, my AC version would have absolutely slaughtered you, DW version or not!" "Hey maybe he can kill him off again with Miyamoto or maybe the Inuits this time, Jack!" There was only one other person that matched Master Sun's rage at the Hippoman and he was in a crappy slum diner. Tsavo Maneaters Pygmy:In 1898, Great Britain decided they wanted to have a bridge between their territories in Africa and their Indian Ocean Harbour but problems started interfering with their plans in Kenya. Rose:Not child labor or Jack the Ripper which were the Victorian Empire's homeland problems, no, the lovely Tsavo river came with the worst roommates imaginable, a pair of man eating lions who decided that the Indian railroad workers looked tastier than striped horses. Zuggsy:The Tsavo Maneaters would come in alone or together to snatch workers from their tents and eat them, if that wasn't bad enough, they didn't care about any obstacles including thorn fences which they just jumped over or crawled through. Pygmy:When 135 or 28-31 people were eaten, most of his workers fled, and the District Officer was almost killed, Lieutenant-Colonel John Henry Patterson finally started hunting the two lions with traps and tree ambushes, neither was very effective. Rose:Thankfully a couple rifles did the trick and one fell to two shots, the other was the cat version of Jason Voorhees and took nine shots to kill. Zuggsy:The Maneaters weren't tiny either, East African lions can reach up to 9.8 feet in length and at least one of them was that long along with being so heavy it needed to be carried by eight people which suggests it was likely at the high-end weight of 450 pounds. Pygmy:Not to mention the Tsavo duo would also have four 1.4 inch retractable claws for each paw and 30 3.9 inch teeth to eat people's bones with a bite force of 691 PSI but they also took down prey animals like zebras, wildebeest, and buffalo with the suffocating throat bite. Rose:These lions were working together for their whole lives so there's no doubt they would be able to work together to bring down anything they wanted to eat. Zuggsy:The Tsavo Maneaters' only weakness is that one of them had a root canal infection that took out several teeth but even that didn't hinder the Ghost and the Darkness too much in their numerous hunts. To recap, Reign of Terror:March-December 1898 Length:9.8 Feet Weight:450 Pounds Speed:50 MPH Claws:1.4 Inches and Retractable Teeth:3.9 Inches and 30 Bite Force:691 PSI Natural Prey:Zebras, Wildebeest, and Buffalo Other Important Notes:Preferred killing method of lions is usually the suffocating throat bite -Usually attacked at night to drag victims out of their tents -Could leap over or crawl through thorn fences -Avoided traps and tree ambushes from the man who would later kill them -One of the pair took nine shots to kill -One of the pair had a root canal infection and was missing teeth Kesagake Pygmy:In 1915, the Japanese village of Sankebetsu was abandoned after a series of man eating bear attacks from a creature which had only took people's corn before. Rose:Yeah about that, the Ikeda family actually started this whole mess by tracking Kesagake down and shooting him then leaving him alone because the apex predator would clearly fear people and not just be pissed off. Zuggsy:"The diagonal slash from the shoulder" had apparently killed three women before and went to the Ota family's house where he then killed a baby and devoured everything but the head and legs of a woman who threw firewood at him. Pygmy:It would only get worse as the bear wasn't killed by another shot and escaped an ambush attempt to break a window at the Miyouke family house and kill four more people along with giving another serious injuries that killed him a couple years later. Rose:Finally a sniper team was formed and shot him again before the bear's archenemy Yamamoto Heikechi stopped drinking and shot him twice underneath an oak tree, ending his reign of terror. Zuggsy:Like other Ussuri brown bears, he was a huge beast that weighed 749 pounds and stood 8.85 feet tall on his hind legs, yes he was actually weighed as well as measured. Pygmy:The giant was such a dangerous creature due to his four 6 inch non-retractable claws on each paw and 42 2.3 inch teeth with a bite force of 850 PSI for a crushing skull bite that would enable him to eat practically any mammal he came across like deer and red foxes. Rose:While he is a loner, he still evaded death from armed humans for a while and inspired so much fear that only war veterans remained in town to oppose him. Zuggsy:Kesagake's one weakness would be that as he woke up early from hibernation, his primary concern is food which could leave him open in as fight but the giant of Sankebetsu is still a formidable beast. To recap, Reign of Terror:December 9th-14th, 1915 Height:8.85 Feet Weight:749 Pounds Speed:30 MPH Claws:6 Inches and Non-Retractable Teeth:2.3 Inches and 42 Bite Force:850 PSI Natural Prey:Deer, Red Foxes, and Fish Other Important Notes:Preferred killing method of brown bears is usually the crushing skull bite -Would invade entire houses at night for victims -Avoided death by armed town guards and sniper teams for a while -Got away with killing three women before -Took five shots to kill -Kills for food due to waking up from hibernation early Notes Voting ends on June 30th. Votes need edges or two paragraphs to count. The fight takes place in the jungle outside the Indian village of Champawat. A lot of the intro is a parody of myself, my fights, and Wiki jokes that isn't intended to offend anyone. The Battle Champawat, India The village of Champawat had been quiet after the Champawat Tigress was shot by Jim Corbett but the silence of the night was interrupted by screaming coming from the jungle. A local teenage girl was desperately trying to escape a massive beast that was moving faster than she could run, the creature had popped out of nowhere when she was more concerned about the bushes rustling and the two pairs of black eyes she could see on either side. Although now none of that mattered as the carnivore clawed her back, causing her to fall over screaming in pain, as the Ussuri brown bear stood up on his hind legs and roared before something clawed his back. Kesagake ignored his latest meal with some effort to see what had attacked him and saw two East African lions, one circled him and the other came out of the nearby bushes, the Tsavo Maneaters both roared at their unwanted competition. Unfortunately for both sides, their target had managed to get up and escape although neither really cared about that at the moment. These three apex predators from opposite sides of the world were both looking for the same meals and neither party could allow the other to ruin any more hunts. Kesagake smacked the ground with his paw and snarled angrily while the Tsavo Maneater in front of him growled in his face, a cover for the one behind him who was getting ready to pounce. The Ussuri brown bear thrashed around as the East African lion leaped onto his back and began scratching him repeatedly but he failed to get a good grip on his larger foe's neck and was thrown off. "The diagonal slash from the shoulder" went to tear into The Ghost on the ground but The Darkness slashed his snout before he could attack the other brother. Kesagake and The Darkness began grappling with both rearing up on their hindlegs for a bit before the solo beast overpowered his smaller foe and tore into his sides with his claws. The Ghost started tearing away at his hindquarters as this was happening and despite not having many teeth, the giant turned his attention away once more from a killing blow to deal with the current annoyance. The Ussuri brown bear whirled around and bit the weaker East African lion's shoulder, causing him to roar in pain, before standing up once more to knock the other brother off balance after an attempted lunge. Kesagake smacked the stronger Tsavo Maneater into a tree with a single swing of his massive paw and then turned his attention back to the wounded part of the pair whose shoulder was bleeding heavily and broken. The Ghost still limped at "the diagonal slash from the shoulder" but it was a horrible mistake as the larger carnivore chomped down on his head and thrashed around violently until The Darkness got up to see and hear his brother getting his skull crushed. The East African lion ran at full speed at the Ussuri brown bear who had paused to decide if he should eat the deceased apex predator or not, only getting knocked on his side before getting the skin over his belly shredded by claws and his arm was bit. The wounds weren't fatal but they were enough to anger Kesagake even more as he flung the final Tsavo Maneater aside before the two beasts got back up and roared as loud as they could, blood dripping from both their maws. The two wound up getting into a futile contest as they swung at each other to no effect, The Darkness merely dodged his foe's slower strikes and "the diagonal slash from the shoulder"'s hide prevented anything but a scratch from the faster blows. The apex predators started moving backwards for one final clash, the Ussuri brown bear rose up on his hind legs once more while the East African lion tensed up for another leap. The Tsavo Maneater almost toppled the giant from the force of his impact and bit down hard on his neck, Kesagake started snapping at his smaller foe but gave up and just did a bear hug. "The diagonal slash from the shoulder" couldn't breathe and The Darkness' back was straining but both were simply increasing the pressure to kill their opponent. In the end, a loud snap and a roar of pain could be heard as both apex predators fell over and lay still. The East African lion was laying awkwardly on his side and the Ussuri brown bear was laying facedown with blood leaking from his neck but one of the Maneaters got back up. Kesagake growled in pain and approached The Darkness who weakly raised his head to snarl at his opponent one last time before a massive brown paw crushed his skull like a sledgehammer. Kesagake roared in triumph and began to tear into the deceased Tsavo Maneater's carcass, he didn't care what meat he got after his interrupted hibernation, he would kill and devour anything including his foe's intestines. Winner:Kesagake Expert's Opinion The Tsavo Maneaters were the better hunters who brought down bigger prey and were stealthier but in a head-on fight with Kesagake that didn't matter. The brown bear had trouble with the lion's speed and teamwork at first but ultimately his superior strength, tougher body, quicker killing methods, and superior limb flexibility gave him two new meals. Epilogue The program finally ended as the diner's occupants heard a worse version of the above from the hosts before they heard a bell jingle. One of the BFB participants had walked through the door and the loser of that fight was the first to question his sudden appearance. "What do you want?! To kill me again?" "No, Geronimo, my hand was forced like all of you but regardless of whether or not you accept the ideological superiority of communism, I would like to offer a chance for rebellion with my field agents." Booker DeWitt pumped a shotgun and the Nod Commando turned on her laser pistols before Leon Trotsky walked to Rorschach. "I believe this belongs to you." Kovacs was handed his grapple gun by the revolutionary leader and unbeknownst to them, actually the Hippoman's greatest foe. "Never been one for politics but what army do you have?" "I'm glad you asked." Outside the FBI and Weasel Mafia were both being cut down by PPSH-41 fire and Mosin-Nagant sniper shots as Leon then loaded his Nagant M1895. "Who is with me?" All of the occupants raised their hands at the golden opportunity. ... "I'll be going back to the DBFW office with Zuggsy, he still needs to clean up there." Pygmy watched Rose and Zuggsy leave and pulled out a sheet of paper before two women walked over to him. "hUsBanD? wHy DiD yoU LeT hEr LeavE?" "She isn't working with the Reds here." "Still shouldn't have let her leave. Oh well, now we can have some fun..." "I'm afraid not Mikotsu and Lime, I've got to speak with an old friend." "I tHouGht YoU weRe RivalS?" "Bwahahahaha, you're calling him, Hustin?!" "Gah, that's embarrassing, not in an official epilogue! Oh hi, old sport, you see the Reds are trying to dethrone me-" "Why don't you just make the DBFW your main territory?" "After losing my G+ Fictional Fights Capital, I cannot lose more ground." Yeah, yeah, I know. Got any more Special plans for Season 3?" "The Rena Ryugu vs. Harry Warden remake and possibly an Inuit Raider collab with a friend who's also been gone for a while. Why do you ask?" "Well, I can't help directly but I still owe you for Sir Bors offing your User Warrior and I'm guessing it's not Star-Lord who's causing you trouble so haw about I send Mr. Mantraps to meet a guy in the Middle East named Gökhan?" "That would be very nice." Pygmy hung up the phone and almost went back to bed before noticing his loyal troops had entered. "The whole cameraman shtick is really degrading, you know that right?" "Try being in charge of the military, little rabbit." "The community's even more of a problem, at least Oyashiro-sama's happy with this move." "I'm surprised you haven't tried to reuse me after your first two failed attempts." "Don't really have plans to either and lock down the perimeter, will you?" Some indecipherable garble came out from the Death Troopers as they walked away with the Four Virtual Psychos of the Hippocalypse. Category:Blog posts